Interview with a Special Guest
(clickbait) (exclusive)
Me: Hi, it’s good to see you this morning!
Shan: Well, it’s not really morning. It’s like 3 pm. Do you still think it’s morning? What have you been doing all day?
Me: To be honest, trying to figure out what to write for this Substack. I really had such grand plans for this page years ago, and now it’s just sort of become…
Shan: Another unfinished project?
Me: Yeah, you know how it goes.
Shan: And you chose to interview…me?
Me: Yeah! I thought that would be funny, kind of relatable. And you were the only person available.
Shan: Don’t you think that’s a little lazy?
Me: Moving on to our first question, you recently turned 27! What’s that been like?
Shan: You know, kind of the same as 26. I do feel like I’ve been having less death anxiety lately. I guess I thought it might increase as I got older, but that hasn’t been the case. Maybe it’s evolutionary - as we age, we get more comfortable with the idea of that final goodnight.
Me: Huh, maybe. But don’t you think —
Shan: What?
Me: I mean, you’ve been really busy lately. Could it be that you’re throwing yourself into all these plans and activities so that you have less time to be alone with your thoughts? Maybe you’re not having less anxiety, maybe you’re just shoving it into a corner.
Shan: Next question.
Me: Since I’m hoping this page will turn into a space to celebrate queer joy and community, why don’t we talk a little bit about your queerness! When did you first know you were gay?
Shan: Well, I guess it might have been the first time I saw Elvira in a Halloween costume catalogue.
Me: Oh wow, so specific! And so you just knew from that moment? How cute!
Shan: Oh no, I was in deep, deep denial for many years. It took me quite a while to feel comfortable coming out.
Me: I see. Well, it’s great that you’ve had more space to explore your gender and sexual identity! How are you identifying nowadays?
Shan: Um, I’m not sure. “Queer” feels good. Since starting drag, I’ve been vibing with pretty much any pronouns. I’m starting to think that I have possibly never been attracted to men?
Me: Yeah, that would make sense.
Shan: It does?
Me: Yeah, it does. Let’s think logically here. What men have you been attracted to in your life, at least so far?
Shan: I had a few crushes in high school.
Me: You had TWO crushes. And one of them began with you saying “Gee, I want to like someone the way all my friends do.” Usually people don’t have to hype themselves up into having a feeling, at least not a genuine one.
Shan: I guess that’s true. I just don’t know.
Me: That’s ok! You don’t have to know. If labels don’t feel useful, then you don’t need to use them.
Shan: Sometimes, I feel like I’m just waiting for some committee of gay angels to come and tell me. I felt this way before coming out too. I was just so desperate for there to be some kind of definitive test or something that I could take and then KNOW the answer.
Me: Ah, like if the online “Are you Gay?” quizzes had a team of scientists and a database of information behind them?
Shan: Precisely. I don’t handle unknowns well. It’s hard existing in the fuzzy space that is — well, most of life, I guess.
Me: Speaking of unknowns, what are you hoping to do?
Shan: What am I hoping to do? When?
Me: Whenever!
Shan: Like, in the next month? Or next year?
Me: Or in life in general, however you want to take that question.
Shan: Oh god, okay. Lately I just can’t make a decision. I want to do everything, all at once. I want to write music. I want to be able to play a whole song on my guitar. I want to create a TV show, or maybe a comic book. I want to keep doing podcast stuff, but somedays, I also want to be the sort of prolific, written word journalist who has hundreds of published pieces.
Me: That’s… a lot. But hopefully, life is long. So why not try?
Shan: My brain just doesn’t let me? I think something might be broken. It’s hard for me to start and stick to a project if I think I’m not going to be great at it right away. Or worse - something does come easily to me, and then I start setting these impossibly high standards that I have to meet or else the project, the thing, whatever it is will be taken away. I’ll “lose it” somehow.
Me: Do you find that feeling is cropping up more now that you’ve been doing drag for a few months?
Shan: Definitely. I really want to keep performing. But now that I’ve done a few performances that I’m proud of, it feels like I’m in danger of losing it all. What if I never get cast in a show again? What if I never have a creative idea again? Maybe I’m all tapped out.
Me: You’re not.
Shan: How do you know?
Me: I just know. You’ll still be here when I come looking for you next time.
Shan: Well, what about you?
Me: What about me?
Shan: Do you think you’ll keep posting here? What do you want this Substack to become?
Me: I’d like to. I had a thought this morning —
Shan: You mean, this afternoon.
Me: Okay, yes, this afternoon. I was thinking maybe I could interview other drag performers in the area. I could write about shows, learn about people’s creative processes, and document the really unique and wonderful drag community here in Massachusetts. I could try it, at least. I don’t know.
Shan: What don’t you know?
Me: I guess I don’t know if that’s a good idea. I guess I don’t know if any idea I have is good. Maybe they’ve never been good. Maybe I just have nothing to say.
Shan: That’s not true.
Me: How do you know?
Shan: I just know.